Spiritual Spanking

I received a spanking today. No paddle was used. I didn't have to pull my pants down. I am sitting down as I write and there is no discomfort. But, nevertheless, I received a spanking. That spanking came from the Holy Spirit. I'm pretty sure the HS doesn't look like the woman in the pic, but, well, I liked the pic. That is how I have felt the last couple of days.

I'm sitting on a nice leather couch in a hotel in the mountains near the Czech/Slovak/Polish border. It's a hotel that our organization owns and runs. Over the past week Americans and National leaders that make up JV have gathered here for our Fall Training Conference. What none of us realized before we came here is that the spiritual climate would be so rich. I don't know if I have ever entered into an atmosphere that has been so condusive to growth. I'm not the only one who has said it. The Polish Country leader said that this is the best conference he's ever been to and he has been on the field for over 10 years. Dann Spader, a well-known student ministry trainer and a JV Board member, said that he has a great sense that this conference would be a turning point for our organization. I've talked to many others who agree: the soil is rich here.

The spirit of this conference and the things that are being taught have been impacting my heart profoundly over the past couple days. It has been opening up chambers in my heart and propelling me to investigate deep areas of spiritual blindness in my life. I wish I could write everything that God is showing me. I feel like issue after issue is surfacing. I feel like issues that I have refused to turn over to God are being exposed and that I am finally ready to turn them over to Him. Since I can't write everything, I'll share and illustration that was shared with me tonight by a good friend...

We are like sailboats. And we are sailing along on this huge lake and when we go out onto the mission field its as if the lake is partially drained and all of these rocks appear. As we sail we begin running into all of these rocks. The rocks hurt and cause damage and we wonder, "Where did these come from? They weren't there before." But they were...they were there all along. They were just covered by water. That water is comfort. As a missionary, it is the comfort of America. It's the comfort of a good movie, the comfort of Oregano's, the comfort of friends and family. But when we step out of that comfort and it is drained away, we begin to experience inadequacy, incompetance, loneliness, a new culture, a foreign language, etc. and the rocks appear.

God doesn't just do this for missionaries, but I think it is just more certain that we will experience it because of our situation. God does it for people in America, but it is usally through tragedy or a drastic change in life. He drains our lake and reveals to us the rocks that have been hiding under the surface.

Yesterday my ship hit a rock. It was pretty small. Tonight I shipwrecked. I can barely think through everything that God showed me. But I know that I am at a critical point in my walk and that as I began to walk with the Spirit in these things God is going to begin to fill my lake back up. He is going to begin to fill those areas in my life and I will be able to sail in freedom knowing that those rocks are covered by Him and His grace.

a third interlude

So, you may not think that Rome and Philadelphia have too much in common, but for me these two cities will forever be linked. Not because of their food, the amount of Italians who live there, or even their historical importance for each of the countries in which they reside, but because the two biggest fights my dad and I have ever engaged in occurred in those two cities. The latest of which was a meer four hours ago...

The purpose of this post isn't to recount the details, but rather to share the outcome of this fight. As you can see from the picture, my dad and I have reconciled things. Hard things were said, but reconciliation has occurred. All is good and our vacation will continue!

The fight has really caused me to take a hard look at myself. There are lots of different types of sin, but there is something about interpersonal conflict that seems to really affect people. And it digs even deeper when it is with family. This event, this blow-up that occurred this evening, and the resulting heart-to-heart between my dad and I opened my eyes to a huge area of sin in my life.

Altough my dad and I are reconciled my heart is still stirring inside of me.

I know part of it is because of the hurt that we caused each other today, but the majority is because I have been painfully reminded that I am a sinner. Sometimes I forget. I'm not sleeping around. I haven't killed anyone. But I have these flaws...these habits...that can kill. They can kill hearts. They can kill relationships. They can kill love.

I've let some of these habits run unabaited...unprayed for. I don't want to do that anymore.

Today sucked. No doubt. My dad and I were wounded by today.

But I am also thankful, because our relationship has been reconciled...AND, it has opened my eyes to sin...sin that has probably been causing hurt in others...and I don't want that anymore...

Wrestling with God

Below is an edited excerpt from my journal:


I am learning a lot about myself right now and it isn't fun. This past month has been one of the hardest of my life and I think that last night was a true breakthrough in many regards.

For the past month I have been wrestling God. For the first four weeks I didn't even realize it. By moving here I relinquished my hold on many things. Language, understanding of culture, friends, family, etc. I don't know if I was truly ready for the shock that it would cause my system by not being able to "do" anything. I found myself grasping onto anything that I could control. The most natural thing to grab and hold onto was my new apartment. It was something that was tangible. Shopping, painting, building things; all of these were tangible ways for me to control something. Painting was painting, building a desk was building a desk and I could go to the store and buy something and see results. I paid, I got something. But even these things that I thought I could control, I couldn't. I had to continue going back to Ostrava (a city 45 minutes away) to shop for more stuff for the apartment, because we never got everything we wanted in one trip (or six!). Before we even could paint we learned we had to scrape all the old paint off the wall. There was even one wall that the paint fell off of! Nothing was simple. Building our couches was a nightmare. I built a desk drawer incorrectly and couldn't correct it. Everything that I tried failed.

This is when you'd think that I called out to God for help, but I didn't. I kept pressing. Kept holding on. Kept wrestling with God.

Then on Thursday as I was building something, alone with my thoughts, I began to realize that I have been wrestling with God. He has been trying to get me to depend on Him and to release my control of life and I just grasped tighter. It was really just a passing thought. I actually think that my stubbornness pushed it aside, because I wasn't ready to release things yet.

I really try not to over spiritualize things in my life. I think there is often too much over-spiritualization and not enough proclaiming of what is truly spiritual, so I am always skeptical when something happens in my life that may be overly spiritual. But on Thursday night I woke up with a terrible pain on the top of my foot. I was only awake for about 30 seconds, but when I got up in the morning and when I took my first couple of steps of the day pain shot through the top of my foot. I immediately remembered the pain from that night. I tried to think back to what it could've caused this pain, but nothing came to mind. Thursday night was the first time I felt this pain.

Friday, I worked on the apartment most of the day. Forgetting what God had tried to get through my mind on Thursday night, I continued striving with Him throughout the day and into the evening as I failed in more things.

On Saturday, my friends and I went for a hike (the pain in my foot still persisting) and then went to a play that night. The play was about the life of Jacob. It was all in Czech, but I could follow the story easily enough. Near the end, as God and Jacob wrestled, I thought to myself, "Gosh, that is what I've been doing with God for the past month!" Then God broke Jacob's hip. The similarity was unmistakable. "Did God break my foot Thursday night?"

Fast forward to Monday night. Dave (the president of Josiah Venture) spoke on Luke 9:1-6. The text is about going out without anything. The point that really struck me and ministered to me was that Jesus commanded that the disciples go out without anything. They had no tools, no food, nothing. They were forced to rely on the Lord daily for their provision. He gave them power and authority in verse 1 and that was all they needed for their ministry. They had to let go of everything that they had. This message pierced my heart. Everything began fitting together. I have been stripped of all that I consider a comfort and a help. Language, friends, understanding of culture, comfort, knowledge of how things work, etc. God is wanting me to rely on Him daily. I have nothing. I am carrying nothing with me and yet I have this huge task to do. I have this ministry, but I am going crazy because I don't have anything to do it with.

I thought.

Jesus has given me power and authority to do ministry. He has given me the tools that I need for right now. Today it may be very little. Tomorrow it may be less, but He will provide for me whatever I need each day. I can continue to wrestle Him. I can continue to try to do things on my own, and I will continue to fail. Or I can release to Him all that I have held on to.

I just tested my foot to see if the pain was still there. It is. I don't know if God "broke" my foot. But He is breaking my will and I know that this injury will continue to remind me that I need to surrender my will to Him and allow Him to provide for me daily.

The Problem of Cool

I want to be cool. I want people to look at me and say, "Nate is cool. I really want to hang out with him." I want my non-Christian friends to say, "Wow. Christians can be cool." But I think there is a problem with this. I think that we have exchanged being genuine with being cool.

Donald Miller says it well in his book Blue Like Jazz:

"I was wondering the other day, why it is that we turn pop figures into idols? I have a theory, of course. I think we have this need to be cool, that there is this undercurrent in society that says some people are cool and some people aren't. And it is very, very important that we are cool. So, when we find somebody who is cool on television or on the radio, we associate ourselves with this person to feel valid ourselves. And the problem I have with this is that we rarely know what the person believes whom we are associating ourselves with. The problem with this is that it indicates there is less value in what people believe, what they stand for: it only matters that they are cool. In other words, who cares what I believe about life, I only care that I am cool. Because in the end, the undercurrent running through culture is not giving people value based upon what they believe and what they are doing to aid society, the undercurrent is deciding their value based upon whether or not they are cool."

I don't want people to see cool in me, I want them to see Jesus in me. I don't know if Jesus would be described as cool. So am I somehow weakening Christ's message through me by trying to be cool? Am I lessening Christ's work through me by worrying more about being cool than looking like Jesus.

My other issue is that by attempting to be cool we mask who we really are. I don't think anyone is cool. Deep down I think that we are all insecure, self-conscious people. We all see the failure of our life and to mask it some of us attempt to be cool. That was OK for me when I wasn't following Christ, because I didn't have anything to find my identity in. My identity was found in what people thought of me and how cool I was. But now my identity is found in Christ. I don't have to mask it. I shouldn't mask it. But I do. I have fallen into the trap of wanting to be cool.

Cool IS cool. The problem is that cool is not always genuine nor does cool truly reflect Christ.

Please, someone, notice me...

This is my sin. I've known it for awhile, but it became very apparent the other day. I'm not going to state the incident, because then it would fulfill my desire to be recognized (and maybe even writing this is do the same...) but a few days ago I was performing a task that no one knew I was doing. An overwhelming desire to be praised for what I was doing swept over me. The funny thing is that it wasn't even anything big or important. It was a small task and yet, I found myself yearning to be noticed. I couldn't get over it. For probably ten minutes I was fighting this inner battle of desiring to be known and knowing that it would be unfulfilling. I don't really know why I want to be noticed, why I desire praise, but I do. It is terrible. My prayer is that God would begin to refine that area of my life. I pray that He would purge the glory-seeking part of me and turn it to glory-seeking for Him. This is so difficult to give up. I want to be noticed. This is my sin.

Sacrifice

Most people are amazed that I am leaving for the Czech. In their opinion I am leaving everything behind. They say things like, "I could never do that," or "You are sacrificing so much", but I have never seen it that way...until recently.

As I've gotten closer to leaving and as I've said bye to friends and family, I've really realized that I really am sacrificing. I don't mean to sound arrogant or prideful in what I'm doing, but rather, I want to acknowledge what God has blessed me with and what I'm really leaving behind. I got to spend some quality time with good friends before I left Arizona a few days ago and as I pondered those friendships I realized what great people the Lord had blessed me with. God has given me a great family in Arizona that has been essential in forming me into the man that I've become. I have a wonderfully supportive family, who though sad to see me go, completely backs me in my decision to serve God. I couldn't have asked for a better life. I couldn't have asked for God to do more in my eight-plus years in Arizona.

But...

As I've spent time here in Chicago with other future Josiah Venture missionaries and as I've thought about rekindling friendships with the other JV missionaries, I've realized that I am entering into a new family. While the old one will never be replaced (no one could ever do that!!) I will learn things that I never could've learned and will grow in ways that I never would have grown and I will build the most unlikely of friendships in the Czech.

My life is changing. It is sad but it is also exciting. Just like I never could've imagined having such a blessed life in Arizona, I'm sure I'll look back on my time in Czech with amazement and wonder at the marvelous things God did.

Tests

I have been experiencing some severe testing over the last couple weeks. At first the tests were infrequent enough to make me think that maybe God was trying to get my attention, but then yesterday the testing showed itself for what it is.

A few weeks ago one of my friend who is starting a new progressive church asked me if I was moving to the Czech for sure. I said yes and then asked why. He brushed the question off, but when I pressed him, he said because the church that is funding his church is looking for a high school pastor. I laughed, said thanks for thinking of me, and dismissed it. Then two days later another friend who may be working with the previous church approached me and asked if I was 100% certain that I was going to the Czech. I immediately knew why he was asking, but I still pushed it with him and he said, because this church is looking for a high school pastor. Again flattered I told him that I am for sure going to the Czech. As I walked away I began to think how cool it would be to work with those two guys, but I know that the Czech is where I am to be.

A couple days later as I was talking to my high school pastor, he began to tell me about all these cool churches that are looking for positions as well. Again I laughed and told him that I am going to the Czech. My outward confidence did not coincide with the doubts that were creeping into my mind. Should I go to the Czech? What do I do with all the money that has already been donated if I decide to stay? It sure would be fun to work with my friends! I knew it was ridiculous to even entertain these thoughts, but these other opportunities sounded so good.

Then yesterday I got the most ridiculously intriguing offer of all. My friend Frank called me. He is the missions youth pastor for a large church just outside of Oceanside, CA (the city my sister lives in). We hadn't spoken in a while and as we were catching up and talking about our respective churches, he told me that a couple of the youth pastors from his church have just left and that he thought it would be cool for me to go out and interview for the position. I literally laughed out loud. This confirmed what I had only assumed before, I was being tested. I told him about the other churches that have approached me and how there have been a lot of great opportunities for me recently. It would be so sweet to work with him and live near my sister and brother, but I keep reflecting back on what my friend Sean told me as I discussed this with him: "Anything worth doing is worth sacrificing for."

Don't we live for an exciting God? I could easily be anxious about all of these opportunities. I could easily question my calling and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But we live for a God who is with us. His Spirit abides in us and guides us. I can go with confidence to the Czech, knowing that if I am obedient to his command of making disciples and if I am living my life in holiness, then I will be in God's will. What other belief system can offer that type of freedom and guidance?

A Bitter Heart and Our Redeemer

I had my garage sale today. Amidst the pouring rain, it was a great success. I woke up at 5:30, made coffee, and then got ready to put the signs out. As I started to push the garage door opener a thought flashed trough my mind, "go through the front door." The idea of having to unlock the front gate and squeeze through the front door carrying boxes with "Garage Sale" signs attached to them in the rain didn't appeal to me, so I proceeded to push the garage door opener. Before the door was even fully up I realized that I should've listened to the voice in my head. Suddenly, a rush of people crowded into the already full garage. I was overwhelmed. It was only 5:45!! Were these people insane. Suddenly cash was flying around as people jockeyed for a chance to negotiate an angel ornament down from $.50. Dollars were flashed in front of my face as I realized that I had just sold two TVs for $30 when the original asking prices were $25 and $20 respectively. It wasn't even six (the original start time) and I was already being talked down on some of my biggest items. Eventually the flurry ended and I was able to sit down and realize that I had just sold $200 worth of stuff and it was barely 6:15. After I got organized I began to read my Bible. Just then an older gentleman strolled into the garage. We exchanged pleasantries and he perused through the merchandise. Before he left he noticed the bible opened in front of me. He said, "So, your reading the Scriptures, huh?" I replied briefly that I was doing the garage sale to raise money to go to the Czech. Seemingly uninterested, he said, "Well, do you want to know my favorite verse?" I said I did, but the look on his face concerned me. For some reason I didn't trust this man. I suddenly wondered what verse he was going to tell me. Was he some cynic who had flirted with Christianity at some point in his life and now was going to tell me some verse that was totally taken out of context? He then wrote down Job 19:25. Once I saw Job I knew that it could've been something crazy. We said bye and he walked out. I couldn't wait to see what he wrote. My fingers flipped through the pages with ease. Job 36, Job 3, Job 20. My eyes darted up the page. Verse 29, 28, 27, 26. There it was: verse 25. "For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth." I was immediately convicted, encouraged, ashamed, and excited. My heart hurt because I had totally questioned this man and his intention to encourage me. I was excited and encouraged, because one of my favorite songs and the one song I turn to when I am discouraged is Redeemer by Nicole C. Mullen. I'm listening to the song right now. Just to hear those first couple chords always reminds me of what a BIG God we serve.

The garage sale was a success and I made good money, but what was more valuable than the money, was the eternal investment that the older gentleman made into my life by writing down one verse.