I died this morning...

This morning at about 10:30 AM MST I was shot in the back of the head while lying face-down on the floor. A group of eleven missionaries and I were kidnapped by local rebels, and after an hour and a half of intense circumstances and conversations, we were asked to select two people from our group who would volunteer to be killed. With mothers and fathers sitting around me and as the only single man in the group I willingly offered myself up. The other person was an older woman. As we made our decisions we were asked if there was anything that we'd like to tell our families if the rest made it out alive, I immediately thought of my mom. My heart was torn in two as I thought of her hearing of my death. Tears filled my eyes as I told them to tell my parents and my sister and brother how much I love them and to reassure them that I willingly offered up my life for the sake of the Gospel. One of the other women in the room started crying. She was thinking of my mother and how she would feel to lose her own son. Soon one of our captors came and we were quickly rushed out of the 8 ft. x 8 ft. enclosure. He told us to lie on our stomachs. I barely had any time to whisper a prayer before the shots rang out and I realized that my life was over.

While this may seem humorous, believe me it was anything but. For many of the people who were a part of this mornings simulation this scenario is a potential reality. Many of those here at training are going to volatile countries. While the Czech is fairly stable, anything is possible and so we took this exercise very seriously. It made me face the idea that I could potentially die in this manner. There are no guarantees. It also gave me an urgency to tell my family that I love them and to talk about these issues. I was so encouraged as I talked to my parents this afternoon and told them how much I loved them and to let them know that if I were ever in this situation for real that I would respond in the same manner. Both of my parents were very encouraging and said that they have actually talked about it already and that if I were to die on the field that they would both be devastated, but would hold fast to the hope of seeing me again in heaven and in knowing that I died for the Noblest of Causes.

The funny thing is that the point of the scenario wasn't to prepare us for this type of event, but rather to see how we interact with people in intense situations. It was hard for me today. God taught me a lot about who I am. He is continuing to peel away layers of my heart and reveal things that I didn't know about myself. It hurts, but I know that it is good and that it is part of God's process to make me more like His Son.

"You know you'll find your wife in Czech, right?"

Do you know how many times I've heard that? Lots. Sarah Martel would say about a billion times, because she exagerates. I don't know how many times I've heard it, but you know who I never hear that from? Missionaries. Do you know why? Because they know the truth. They know that there is no guarantee. Now don't get me wrong, I want to be married. But more than that I want to serve the Lord. I want to give my all to Him and be all for Him. I long for the day when I can serve side by side with my wife, but that is not guarenteed and until then I will continue to serve the Lord.

Girls are distracting. While waiting for my bags in the Denver airport I stared at this really pretty girl. I couldn't look away. I was transfixed. For a while I was mad because someone blocked my view, but he eventually moved and I got to look at her again. At one point in my gawking, I even prayed that God would give me a girl that pretty.

This is the dilemma of being single and serving God. I want to give everything to him, but I also can't help but want to have a wife. I'm trying to find the balance in that. The easiest way is to not look for girls, but then God puts one on your plane...

Sacrifice

Most people are amazed that I am leaving for the Czech. In their opinion I am leaving everything behind. They say things like, "I could never do that," or "You are sacrificing so much", but I have never seen it that way...until recently.

As I've gotten closer to leaving and as I've said bye to friends and family, I've really realized that I really am sacrificing. I don't mean to sound arrogant or prideful in what I'm doing, but rather, I want to acknowledge what God has blessed me with and what I'm really leaving behind. I got to spend some quality time with good friends before I left Arizona a few days ago and as I pondered those friendships I realized what great people the Lord had blessed me with. God has given me a great family in Arizona that has been essential in forming me into the man that I've become. I have a wonderfully supportive family, who though sad to see me go, completely backs me in my decision to serve God. I couldn't have asked for a better life. I couldn't have asked for God to do more in my eight-plus years in Arizona.

But...

As I've spent time here in Chicago with other future Josiah Venture missionaries and as I've thought about rekindling friendships with the other JV missionaries, I've realized that I am entering into a new family. While the old one will never be replaced (no one could ever do that!!) I will learn things that I never could've learned and will grow in ways that I never would have grown and I will build the most unlikely of friendships in the Czech.

My life is changing. It is sad but it is also exciting. Just like I never could've imagined having such a blessed life in Arizona, I'm sure I'll look back on my time in Czech with amazement and wonder at the marvelous things God did.