Wrestling with God

Below is an edited excerpt from my journal:


I am learning a lot about myself right now and it isn't fun. This past month has been one of the hardest of my life and I think that last night was a true breakthrough in many regards.

For the past month I have been wrestling God. For the first four weeks I didn't even realize it. By moving here I relinquished my hold on many things. Language, understanding of culture, friends, family, etc. I don't know if I was truly ready for the shock that it would cause my system by not being able to "do" anything. I found myself grasping onto anything that I could control. The most natural thing to grab and hold onto was my new apartment. It was something that was tangible. Shopping, painting, building things; all of these were tangible ways for me to control something. Painting was painting, building a desk was building a desk and I could go to the store and buy something and see results. I paid, I got something. But even these things that I thought I could control, I couldn't. I had to continue going back to Ostrava (a city 45 minutes away) to shop for more stuff for the apartment, because we never got everything we wanted in one trip (or six!). Before we even could paint we learned we had to scrape all the old paint off the wall. There was even one wall that the paint fell off of! Nothing was simple. Building our couches was a nightmare. I built a desk drawer incorrectly and couldn't correct it. Everything that I tried failed.

This is when you'd think that I called out to God for help, but I didn't. I kept pressing. Kept holding on. Kept wrestling with God.

Then on Thursday as I was building something, alone with my thoughts, I began to realize that I have been wrestling with God. He has been trying to get me to depend on Him and to release my control of life and I just grasped tighter. It was really just a passing thought. I actually think that my stubbornness pushed it aside, because I wasn't ready to release things yet.

I really try not to over spiritualize things in my life. I think there is often too much over-spiritualization and not enough proclaiming of what is truly spiritual, so I am always skeptical when something happens in my life that may be overly spiritual. But on Thursday night I woke up with a terrible pain on the top of my foot. I was only awake for about 30 seconds, but when I got up in the morning and when I took my first couple of steps of the day pain shot through the top of my foot. I immediately remembered the pain from that night. I tried to think back to what it could've caused this pain, but nothing came to mind. Thursday night was the first time I felt this pain.

Friday, I worked on the apartment most of the day. Forgetting what God had tried to get through my mind on Thursday night, I continued striving with Him throughout the day and into the evening as I failed in more things.

On Saturday, my friends and I went for a hike (the pain in my foot still persisting) and then went to a play that night. The play was about the life of Jacob. It was all in Czech, but I could follow the story easily enough. Near the end, as God and Jacob wrestled, I thought to myself, "Gosh, that is what I've been doing with God for the past month!" Then God broke Jacob's hip. The similarity was unmistakable. "Did God break my foot Thursday night?"

Fast forward to Monday night. Dave (the president of Josiah Venture) spoke on Luke 9:1-6. The text is about going out without anything. The point that really struck me and ministered to me was that Jesus commanded that the disciples go out without anything. They had no tools, no food, nothing. They were forced to rely on the Lord daily for their provision. He gave them power and authority in verse 1 and that was all they needed for their ministry. They had to let go of everything that they had. This message pierced my heart. Everything began fitting together. I have been stripped of all that I consider a comfort and a help. Language, friends, understanding of culture, comfort, knowledge of how things work, etc. God is wanting me to rely on Him daily. I have nothing. I am carrying nothing with me and yet I have this huge task to do. I have this ministry, but I am going crazy because I don't have anything to do it with.

I thought.

Jesus has given me power and authority to do ministry. He has given me the tools that I need for right now. Today it may be very little. Tomorrow it may be less, but He will provide for me whatever I need each day. I can continue to wrestle Him. I can continue to try to do things on my own, and I will continue to fail. Or I can release to Him all that I have held on to.

I just tested my foot to see if the pain was still there. It is. I don't know if God "broke" my foot. But He is breaking my will and I know that this injury will continue to remind me that I need to surrender my will to Him and allow Him to provide for me daily.