i was homeless last night...

for 30 minutes.

my friend shane is a youth pastor in conway, arkansas.  this summer when he was out in czech we talked about me coming to conway to hang out with his youth group and speak.  since i had dreads and a huge goatee, he thought it would be great to do the classic "poor man in front of the church" lesson.

even though i shaved my head and had a partially grown beard, we still went for it.

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i'll be honest, it was completely different than what i expected.

people stopped.

two men talked to me.

one asked me what i needed.

i was given over $23.

there seemed to be genuine care from multiple students.

sure there were cars that drove by and students/parents who ignored me.

kids stared.

eyes were averted.

but, when talking to the students (junior highers), they expressed their emotions towards me

_compassion

_fear

_sorrow

_pain

_confusion

i was also shocked at what was stirring in me.

i felt completely undignified.  i felt like garbage.

worthless.

hopeless.  

sorrow.

loneliness.

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God has been working on my heart a lot over the past four months regarding the poor and marginalized.

it all started with a book.  irresistible revolution messed me up.  i'm not going to say that i agree with everything that shane wrote, but as i read the book i felt like my heart and beliefs were being thrown in a blender and set on puree.  

one of the things that shane said that really messed me up was (and i paraphrase), "often times we try to make the bible make sense, we contextualize, but maybe when Christ said, 'sell all you have and give it to the poor' that is what he meant."

as i read the scriptures (both old and new covenant) and as i try to understand this Jesus that i am following, i can't help but to see His (and God the Father's) heart for the poor and marginalized.

what i wrestle with is how does that fit into my call?

i know that God has called me to the czech.  i have never felt closer to God and His desire for me than i do now.  but how do i apply what God is teaching me with what i'm learning?

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Jesus spent a ton of his time with the poor and marginalized.  those seemed to be the ones who were softest to the gospel...the samaritan woman, the bleeding woman, the cripple lowered down through the roof, the lame sitting by the pool...all of them outcasts.

all of them receptive.

Jesus also spent a lot of time with the rich and the religious, but what was their response?

the rich man walked away.

the religious put him on trial.

it seems that the marginalized are the ones who are receptive...

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the english camps we do are a little costy for czechs.  

typically the educated are the ones who attend english camp.

so, if the poor and the marginalized are the ones who tend to be the most receptive, but our camps tend to attract the richer and more educated and they seem to be the least receptive and i feel called to what i'm doing...

see my dilemma?

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a few months ago i wrote about this house that i wanted to buy.

it is huge.

right on the town square.

super expensive.

while i don't have a solution to my current dilemma, i do think that it has to start with me personally.  i'm not going to leave czech and move in with the poor.  i'm probably not even going to change the way we do english camps.  but i have found myself talking to and trying to meet the needs of the marginalized more.  i've also been thinking more about buying an apartment in one of the poorer areas of our town and living there.  i've also thought about trying to start a small youth group in that area.

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i don't know what all this means.  i fight the idea of moving to a poorer area.  i come up with lots of excuses why i shouldn't talk to the homeless guy.

but after "living it" for 30 minutes, i feel like i understand a bit more.  two dudes did it for five months.  i'm reading their journey right now.

regardless of what i do, i have to do.

i can't let compassion sit idly in my chest.

my heart stirs cause it wants to get out.

it wants to touch someone.

i have to let it.