what ben said sarah said

I am a HUGE Death Cab For Cutie fan. Maybe not as big as Seth Cohen (yeah, I watch The O.C.), but, still, a big fan. Sometimes I wonder if I were married if I would like them as much. I mean, Ben Gibbard writes amazing lyrics, but for the most part they are all about relationships...most of which are broken, trying to be fixed, long distance, trying to get back together, etc.

But there is one song that I've been thinking a lot about lately. It's called "What Sarah Said". It's a song about friends at a hospital watching their friend die. And it's what Sarah said that is the crux of the song.

"Love is watching someone die."

I really want to write a book about fellowship with my friend Sarah. I come from an amazing group of friends back in AZ and I've always known that there is something that is unique about our group. While brainstorming about the book, I've often pondered, "What made our group so different? So tight?"

Unfortunately, one of the things that has made us so close is death. We have lost two really close girl friends and one of our friends' dad. When I think of some of the times that really brought us close, I think to those days surrounding death.

Kulia died of cancer.

It was long.

It was painful.

There were many days and nights that we spent with her from when she found out to times in the hospital to the end.

But, it brought us close to her and close to one another.

When I think about what made my friends and I tight, I think about hanging out at Kulia's. I think about helping her move back home. I think about visiting her at the hospital. I think about hanging out with Greg the day his dad died and many nights afterwards.

You know who your friends are by who is there when you are dying...

I discussed this with my friends here (in Czech) the other night. There are some people that I'd live at the hospital for. If they were dying I'd be there all day. There are people who would do that for me. There are people who I wouldn't do that for. There are people who wouldn't do that for me.

"Love is watching someone die."

In the song, Ben asks the next logical question, "Who's gonna watch me die?"

I know this is a Debbie Downer post, but I think it amazing that we can be so affected by life...by death, that it somehow unites our souls. That one life can challenge us, can cause us to grieve, cause us to rejoice, cause us to think, cause us live...

That is something that science can't quantify.

God created us a relational beings. There is something in life. Some invisible force (or spirit, or something) that causes us to long for relationship...

...for belonging

...for love

It's what makes life and death so great and so painful. It's why as you read this you are thinking about loved ones you've lost and your heart grieves. But when you think to their life, you can't help but smile. You can't help but be filled with that bitter-sweet feeling that comes with remembering a good time with someone you've lost.

I remember trying to fix Kulia's broken down car in a monsoon in front of Blue Burrito.

We were soaked.

We were laughing.

Right now, I'm smiling.

We can mark people's lives by the way we love them.

So, I wonder, "Who's gonna watch me die?"